It's amazing what just a few weeks do to you..
This time last month I was completely swamped with negative emotions toward Asher as you've already read in my previous post. Likewise, he was also filled with a mixture of anger, sadness and obstinance as he tried to find his place in the world and more specifically, in this family. But this month, things are different...
I find myself full of a positive and encouraging attitude towards Asher, and I think he feels the same way. The past three weeks have still been full of ups and downs, but unlike before, the ups have finally outweighed the downs!
Adopting an older child can be compared to riding a roller coaster. It's full of ups and downs, twists and turns and moments when you ask yourself why you even went on this ride! However, just like every ride comes to an end, so do the hard times. The first month was BAD! That's the only way I can describe it. We were all doing our best to make sure we didn't offend him in any way, because that would save us from the screaming we would endure! Temper tantrums, crying and screaming became a daily part of our lives and it was always hard to have someone over during this time. If they didn't understand what we were going through, they would have thought we were trying to kill him!
But, slowly things started taking a turn uphill as situations in which he would have normally had a fit over, he didn't. Slowly, but surely he's started to understand what it's like to live in a family environment, what is expected of him and what is acceptable and what is not. It took a good full month (and even still today) of "training" him.. but it's working.
As month two is progressing, we're seeing lots of improvements in his behavior. And I expect that the next few months will only get better. Asher has such a servants heart and really loves to help in any way he can. Whenever he sees me getting dinner prepared, he races off and grabs dishes, silverware and cups to set the table with. He then counts to make sure he has enough for all nine people. Then he pours drinks, knowing who drinks what. He knows to pour milk for himself, Ian, Kayla, Esther and Emma. Then he goes and pours ice water for Elena and I. And then he goes and grabs Mom & Dad a beer from the fridge and even pops the tops off for them! He must have seen that done before because he knew exactly what tool to use to remove the tops.
He's excelling in schoolwork and doing so much better than I would have guessed. Although he prefers to count in Mandarin, he happily obliges to count in English and knows his numbers up to 12. He's learning phonics and starting to sound out words. And, he even knows how to add numbers in math! We had no idea he was capable of this since he was obviously holding out on us.
He enjoys attending karate and cub scouts with Ian. We belong to an active home school group, so there's always some kind of field trip or activity going on and we try to keep him involved in everything. Even if he doesn't understand, he tries to figure things out himself.
Last week, we bought him his early birthday gift.. his own bike! It still has the training wheels, but he'll be out of those in no time. He adores his bike and wants to ride it any chance he can get.
At home, he's doing great and is definitely starting to feel apart of our family more and more. With the girls, we felt like they had always been here and it's been different with Asher. But as the months progress I'm sure we'll feel the same way.
We have had our share of negative comments though. A few weeks ago, some kids in Elena's homeschool class started teasing Asher and calling him an "animal." Then one kid even said that he thought it was a mistake for us to bring Asher here and that "blending" the cultures just doesn't work. Those comments had me fuming mad.. but sometimes we have to remember that people just don't know what they are talking about and are naive. It makes me sad people look at him like that because if they just got to know him they would realize he really is a sweet boy and is only trying to find his place in this world. In a way you feel bad for him because he's the only Chinese speaking child who's constantly surrounded by people who don't think or look like he does. Plus, he's spent his whole life living in an orphanage so he doesn't know how to act and he forgets when he's not at home. It's not trying to make excuses for him, but that is what he is suffering from.
In public, Asher can appear to act like an "animal" because once he's out of his comfort zone (our house) he goes back to his original survival skills from the orphanage. We have to keep a careful watch on him whenever we take him places because he'll turn back to his old way and try to see just how far he can go. He gets overstimulated pretty easily, and that's something that will take time to cure. Esther was the same way and she got over it with time.
Tuesday night was the first time I took Asher somewhere by myself. (Other than rides in the car to karate) We went to the grocery store and he happily held my hand while carrying the basket and listened to everything I said. He was completely shocked by the variety (and amount) of food he saw, so of course he pointed out several things that he wanted. I told him no to almost everything and he happily obliged. For being a good boy, I let him pick out a special treat and he was so proud of himself. =)
He's really doing well and I'm so glad that most of those bad days are behind us. We still have some bad moments (like when he decides to pour an entire bottle of shampoo down the drain!) and he still spends quite a bit of time in the timeout chair, but all in all it's going so much better!
I know a lot of people have been reading my blog and wondering about adopting an older child, or are already in the process. A piece of advice I can give you:
HAVE LOTS OF PATIENCE!!
(and I hope you like roller coaster rides!)
*Remain encouraging
*Remember that it will get better
*Hang on to those handle bars!!
*Love your child no matter how hard they push you away.
It DOES get better.. =)
Adopting an older child can be compared to riding a roller coaster. It's full of ups and downs, twists and turns and moments when you ask yourself why you even went on this ride! However, just like every ride comes to an end, so do the hard times. The first month was BAD! That's the only way I can describe it. We were all doing our best to make sure we didn't offend him in any way, because that would save us from the screaming we would endure! Temper tantrums, crying and screaming became a daily part of our lives and it was always hard to have someone over during this time. If they didn't understand what we were going through, they would have thought we were trying to kill him!
But, slowly things started taking a turn uphill as situations in which he would have normally had a fit over, he didn't. Slowly, but surely he's started to understand what it's like to live in a family environment, what is expected of him and what is acceptable and what is not. It took a good full month (and even still today) of "training" him.. but it's working.
As month two is progressing, we're seeing lots of improvements in his behavior. And I expect that the next few months will only get better. Asher has such a servants heart and really loves to help in any way he can. Whenever he sees me getting dinner prepared, he races off and grabs dishes, silverware and cups to set the table with. He then counts to make sure he has enough for all nine people. Then he pours drinks, knowing who drinks what. He knows to pour milk for himself, Ian, Kayla, Esther and Emma. Then he goes and pours ice water for Elena and I. And then he goes and grabs Mom & Dad a beer from the fridge and even pops the tops off for them! He must have seen that done before because he knew exactly what tool to use to remove the tops.
He's excelling in schoolwork and doing so much better than I would have guessed. Although he prefers to count in Mandarin, he happily obliges to count in English and knows his numbers up to 12. He's learning phonics and starting to sound out words. And, he even knows how to add numbers in math! We had no idea he was capable of this since he was obviously holding out on us.
He enjoys attending karate and cub scouts with Ian. We belong to an active home school group, so there's always some kind of field trip or activity going on and we try to keep him involved in everything. Even if he doesn't understand, he tries to figure things out himself.
Last week, we bought him his early birthday gift.. his own bike! It still has the training wheels, but he'll be out of those in no time. He adores his bike and wants to ride it any chance he can get.
At home, he's doing great and is definitely starting to feel apart of our family more and more. With the girls, we felt like they had always been here and it's been different with Asher. But as the months progress I'm sure we'll feel the same way.
We have had our share of negative comments though. A few weeks ago, some kids in Elena's homeschool class started teasing Asher and calling him an "animal." Then one kid even said that he thought it was a mistake for us to bring Asher here and that "blending" the cultures just doesn't work. Those comments had me fuming mad.. but sometimes we have to remember that people just don't know what they are talking about and are naive. It makes me sad people look at him like that because if they just got to know him they would realize he really is a sweet boy and is only trying to find his place in this world. In a way you feel bad for him because he's the only Chinese speaking child who's constantly surrounded by people who don't think or look like he does. Plus, he's spent his whole life living in an orphanage so he doesn't know how to act and he forgets when he's not at home. It's not trying to make excuses for him, but that is what he is suffering from.
In public, Asher can appear to act like an "animal" because once he's out of his comfort zone (our house) he goes back to his original survival skills from the orphanage. We have to keep a careful watch on him whenever we take him places because he'll turn back to his old way and try to see just how far he can go. He gets overstimulated pretty easily, and that's something that will take time to cure. Esther was the same way and she got over it with time.
Tuesday night was the first time I took Asher somewhere by myself. (Other than rides in the car to karate) We went to the grocery store and he happily held my hand while carrying the basket and listened to everything I said. He was completely shocked by the variety (and amount) of food he saw, so of course he pointed out several things that he wanted. I told him no to almost everything and he happily obliged. For being a good boy, I let him pick out a special treat and he was so proud of himself. =)
He's really doing well and I'm so glad that most of those bad days are behind us. We still have some bad moments (like when he decides to pour an entire bottle of shampoo down the drain!) and he still spends quite a bit of time in the timeout chair, but all in all it's going so much better!
I know a lot of people have been reading my blog and wondering about adopting an older child, or are already in the process. A piece of advice I can give you:
HAVE LOTS OF PATIENCE!!
(and I hope you like roller coaster rides!)
*Remain encouraging
*Remember that it will get better
*Hang on to those handle bars!!
*Love your child no matter how hard they push you away.
It DOES get better.. =)
2 comments:
GREAT PICTURES!!!
It's encouraging to see how far Asher has come in just over a month. I'm glad the good times are outweighing the bad times. He looks so cute and proud on his new bike!
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