Soon we will be celebrating nine months since our happy boy has been apart of our family and it's amazing to think of the journey that we have been through, and continue to take. Asher's adoption has taught me many things, one of them being FAITH. Never doubt for a single minute that God isn't caring for you as you go through the roller coaster ride that adoption is. The biggest mistake I made during the beginning was not trusting God that everything would work out with the crazy, wild child we had just imported from China. (kidding....)
How do you measure the amount of happiness a child brings to your life? I don't think you can and that's how I feel about my sweet Asher. My heart is overflowing with the love I have for him. It didn't come easy though- just scroll down a few posts and you'll see my first reactions toward him upon coming home. I didn't adequately prepare myself for what was taking place in my life, nor think about the changes in his life. It's easy to say you know that he will have adjustments and it will be rough.. but it's not easy to ride that roller coaster of emotions. It took a good, solid two months before things started to calm down and my love for him started to grow.
What was Asher like when he first got home? A sneaky, smiley, kicking, biting, full of rage when angered, non-attached beast, stuck inside the body of a seven year old. Is that enough of an explanation? Yes.. that's exactly how he was. If he was happy, then everyone was happy. If he wasn't, he made sure that ALL of us were unhappy as well. I can't blame him for most of it though- at seven, he had hardly been beyond the walls of his orphanage. Therefore he lacked the common skills most children learn as they grow. Life in the orphanage taught him to be sneaky. Being one of the few non-mentally disabled children there, he learned to get in trouble and then blame it on those who couldn't defend themselves. The orphanage told us a story about Asher when we went to visit. Apparently, he had instructed all of the children to throw their shoes out the window, then blamed it on one of the deaf children. They later found out it was Asher.. but little things like that is how he grew up. Nothing really changed once he got home, only it was a different set of territory so he needed to see how things worked. Yet for him, he acquired a mother just as stubborn as he is so there wouldn't be much that he would get away with. Along with his anger, came grieving which was easy to overlook. Two days after coming home from China, he let it all go. He must have cried for over an hour just weeping and wailing.. it was so sad to watch him go through that. I had to excuse myself from the house in order to escape it. He didn't have enough English to tell us who he missed, but he kept repeating someone's name, over and over again. Since then, he hasn't grieved at all.
After arriving home, Asher completely shut off his memory of anything to do with China. If we showed pictures to him of his friends from the orphanage, he would pretend he didn't know them. He didn't want to speak Chinese to others. I am sure this was his way leaving behind his old life and focusing on the new one in front of him. I'm sure many of these memories were painful for him to remember, so he probably figured the only way to be strong was to forget them. The only person he would ever talk about is his Wawa, (Sophie) his best friend from his orphanage. I believe he was in charge of caring for her because of the way he talks of her. Last year, we received some video from a family who traveled to Dandong in 2005 and in it you can see Asher, lovingly holding onto his young Wawa. To this day, he constantly talks about Wawa and loves to visit her blog and look at pictures.
Just in the last few weeks has Asher started opening up about his life in China. It's not very often when he does it, but when he does open up it reminds me of that scene in the movie, The Notebook when Allie remembers who Duke is. It happened one day when I pulled out a few photos we had developed from the disposable camera sent to the orphanage. We have several images of Asher and his friends and life around the orphanage. All of a sudden he started talking about his friends... pointing them out by name, and saying whether he liked them or not! I thought it was funny when he pointed out one little boy and said they shared a bed and apparently the little boy peed in their bed!
One time, we were driving and I had Asher and Ian in the backseat and all of a sudden Asher started opening up. He started telling us that once he went swimming in a river, but he was naked! It's the little things like this, when he gives us a glimpse into his life in China that I love to hear about.
Another time, Asher dictated to Ian some of his feelings about Sophie before and after she left to be adopted. Quick thinking Ian thought to write them all down and I'm sharing them here because they just melt my heart. The conversation between Sophie & Asher before she left went something like this: (and I'm copying Ian's exact words)
Sophie: (speaking sadly) "I don't want to leave and go on the airplane."
Asher: "I don't want you to leave."
Sophie: "I love you Asher."
Asher: "Please come back, bye Wawa."
The rest of the letter dictated by Asher, and written by Ian says this:
"Asher was crying on his bed. He told me his heart broke. He was crying in the middle of the night and saying, 'Wawa, please don't go, please.' "
I share the above because it helps me to understand what Asher was going through. He had left his entire life behind him, and his Wawa, his best friend.
How do you describe Asher? Those who have met him would probably say one word: happy. He's always happy.. and has been since we first saw his referral pictures! I wish I could take on the world the way Asher can- nothing seems to ever phase him and he's the most easy going child I have ever met. Asher is a pleaser- he wants to be there for you and do whatever he can. He's a charmer- everyone seems to fall in love with him. And he uses that precious smile of his to his advantage. He is sarcastic-so much in fact that we call sarcasm his third language-and has been since the day after we got him! (I remember him walking up to Ian in the bathroom as they prepared to get a shower, and he slapped Ian on the bottom as if to say "Hey Dude.") He loves to joke with everyone and he totally understands humor. He's playful- never wants to sit still and always wants to be doing something. That would explain why he eats almost twice the amount I do, yet he doesn't have the problem of gaining weight, like I do!! =) Asher is a great dancer and singer, although he's very shy about performing in public. However, get him warmed up and comfortable and he's quite the entertainer!
As of February, Asher is reading! It's those little Bob books, the ones with three words per page, but he is reading them! Asher loves math but I think he would rather do away with everything else. Considering he started at the level of a 2 year old in August, I think he is doing very well! Mom wants to have him starting second grade in the fall, but we will see what happens. He still attends a once-a-week homeschool co-op and loves his school days. The class is very hands on, and just recently I helped Asher put together a whole poster on China. He continues to be tutored twice a week by our friend Nancy, and also receives speech therapy three times a week. His speech is slowly and steadily improving and I understand about 90% of what he says. Having his tonsils removed and his palate re-done will tremendously help improve his speech. We're looking at a surgery possibly sometime this summer, but more on that in my next post!
We're still working on getting rid of his old habits; he still lies and doesn't like to follow the rules. Some of that is due to orphanage behavior, but it's also because he's a typical eight year old boy. We discipline Asher by putting him in time out- he has a chair right at the front of the house that he sits in for eight minutes, until he apologizes for what he has done wrong. (Learned that from SuperNanny!) We still have our good days and our bad days. Asher is always very well behaved when I am around him, but since I'm not home that much, I don't experience as much of his bad moments. It's always hard to come home and see him sitting in his chair, or hearing from Mom what he had done that day. It's still a learning process and these things just take time.
So many people ask us all the time how Asher is doing, and I always answer "Terrific." He's doing so well considering the amount of time he has been here and all of the obstacles he has faced. He's very intelligent, so he picks up on things very easily. Writing from the standpoint of having him for almost a year, I'd say our older child adoption story has been a great success. (I wasn't so sure back in September!!) It's taken a lot of time, PATIENCE, love, faith, patience, discipline, grace, and did I mention patience? Overall, I'd say this is definitely one of the best decisions we have ever made. It's funny how we think of it as a decision, yet God had already planned this out before any of us were even born! Asher is such a blessing to our family and we are all looking forward to what God has in store for his life in the coming years. Stick around!
1 comment:
Wow! what a beautiful post written from your heart. So glad to hear how well Asher is goind and that he's beginning to open up about his time in China.
God is good! Trusting Him as He continues to be with Asher and your family. I can't begin to imagine all that your adorable little brother endured and what he left behind. Thank you for loving him unconditionally...even when it's hard at times.
You're a great sister!!
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