One Month Home

Esther, Asher and Emma on the girls' first day of school

He loves his mei mei's

Jumping on the trampoline
(Notice Esther in the background.. I see soccer in her future!!)

Drawing pictures

Hanging out with Ian and Kayla

Enjoying a swim in the pool.. with some cool shades!

Helping me cook dinner

Asher and me

Enjoying some yummy food during Elena's 16th birthday party..

Asher enjoying the lake

It's hard to believe we've been home for a month.. feels like it's been much longer!! We pretty much came home from China and hit the ground running. School, work and everyday life began right after we came back and at times it was very tiring and emotionally tough. The last few weeks I just haven't had the time or the energy to blog. Looking back, it's probably a good idea because you wouldn't have wanted to hear what I thought just three weeks ago!!
Let's just say the last two weeks, I have seen a HUGE improvement in Asher- his attitude, behavior and personality. Those first few weeks were VERY tough.. it was like going through Esther's adjustment all over again. In a way, I felt like Esther's adjustment went a lot smoother than Asher's has. But now as I look back on it, their adjustments were sort of similar and but also, different. Esther would cry at the drop of a hat, yet she was small and "portable" and wouldn't hurt you. Asher is more go-with-the-flow, but he is capable of hurting someone, including me. During the first two or so weeks, the easiest thing for me to do was remove myself from the situation and just have nothing to do with him. I know it sounds awful, but it was the only way I could physically and mentally do what I needed to do.
I was convinced that Asher hated me. Every time he looked at me he would give me this dirty look, almost as if he was trying to play a game with me. He was always happy to say goodbye to me as I left, but then gave me the same dirty look as I came home. (Yet, whenever Elena, my dad or Kayla come home he was quick to greet them with hugs.) He also did not respect me at all and considered me just another child. I could ask him to come inside and he would know what I meant, yet he would purposely ignore me because he felt I wasn't worth respecting. So, I backed away. I made sure that I was never alone with him.. I took on more responsibilities like driving and grocery shopping if only I didn't have to be with him.
Yet it was hard, because I felt so much anger towards this kid. Our lives weren't perfect, but they sure were easier before he had come along. Now, it was a constant battle between him and everyone else, especially Ian.. yelling, screaming and Asher always attacking Ian. For me, it was easier to stay out of it so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
Fortunately, my mom has done a great job of handling Asher. I wasn't sure how she would be able to keep up with him and his behavior, but I underestimated her. I guess it really makes a difference with him being your child, versus your brother! For the first two weeks or so, she stayed home with Asher since he couldn't be left home with one of us. (Because he doesn't respect anyone except for my parents.) I could tell that the stress was getting to her.. but she has hung in there and done a great job. I honestly don't know if I would have been able to hang in there like she has. However, it just goes to show you that perseverance pays off!
Like the famous Annie song, "The sun will come out, tomorrow, Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun..Just thinkin about, tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, til theres none, When Im stuck with the day thats gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, ohhh, The sun will come out, tomorrow, So you gotta hang on til tomorrow...Come what may....." it did get better. Slowly, but surely I have seen Asher morph into a different person.. someone who is kinder, gentler and much more helpful. And my love for him has started to abound more and more each day. Now, I don't get the dirty looks anymore and he's the first to greet me when I come home!
I still am not ready to take Asher out anywhere by myself yet. Like Esther, he tends to get overstimulated if we take him somewhere, so we have to be careful. I can just imagine.. Asher and the grocery store.. oh that would be bad!! I can take him in the car and he does fine.. but we'll have to wait on special trips.
Last week, Asher went on two field trips with Mom and his school class, and he really enjoyed being out. One day they went to The Holy Land, a theme park built to look exactly like Jerusalem. Another day, they went and painted pottery since they are studying the Greek era in school.
As far as English, he's continuing to pick it up but isn't talking much yet. We continue to communicate using lots of hand gestures, but Asher understands almost everything we say. He understands simple things like "Go get the milk from the fridge" or "Clean up your toys" but it's the more complex things like "Asher, go find Kayla's wallet that you stole" that throw us for a loop. That's one thing we have had trouble with- stealing. So far he's stolen Elena's iPod, Mom's keys, Kayla's wallet and a few other items. It's normal for institutionalized children to do that, or any child for that matter. But it's difficult to explain to him that he can't take something that is not his.
Back to the speech issues.. Asher's difficulty in picking up English is because of his cleft palate. He goes tomorrow for his speech evaluation and will start speech therapy after that. I'm excited for him to pick up more English because it will make everything a lot easier on all of us! Then, he and Esther have an appointment with the cleft team on November 13th to discuss their clefts and possible surgeries. Asher has come to the age where he will soon need another surgery for his jaw, and maybe a revision on the lip. Hopefully, Esther won't need surgery for a few more years, but Asher probably will.
School. Asher's continuing to do well in school! He still attends a once a week program, and then is tutored twice a week. He knows his numbers 1-12 and is even starting to sound out words! It won't be long before he learns his ABC's and then starts reading.
Funny story- There are soda machines at the church where Asher goes to school, and he has figured out that if you put two quarters into the machine, a soda will magically pop out. The first week, he was unsuccessful in using his charm to get him a soda, so he figured he had to take matters into his own hands. I don't know where he got the money (probably from Ian's stash- hidden somewhere in their room) but he was gulping down his second soda by the time his teacher found him. So, needless to say, we have had to "frisk" him before he goes to class and his teachers are extra careful in watching him now.
Activities. Asher has joined his older sisters and brother in karate three times a week and is really enjoying it. It assists in the burning off of his energy and gives him something fun to do. It also teaches him discipline, and the karate school has been very understanding of Asher and his situation. He just received his equipment the other day and was thrilled to finally be one of the "big kids." Asher has also joined Ian in Cub scouts. We won't get him fully involved until next year, but he enjoys accompanying his brother to the meetings and taking part in the activities. I'd love to get him into soccer or baseball.. but that will have to wait until the spring when he has mastered enough English and the driving schedules aren't as hectic! He's a born athlete, so I can't wait to see it unleashed on the field!
Relationships. Asher completely adores Elena.. seems to get along just fine with Kayla.. and he and Ian are so so. Sometimes they are the best of friends, other times they are at each other's throats. Esther and Emma pretty much ignore Asher although I think that will change as they start to bond. Asher and I? Well.. it's a work in progress.. that's for sure. I know it will continue to get better as time goes on and it's already getting better with each passing day.
Friends. On Thursdays, our friend Mrs Campbell takes Asher to the park which helps him burn off some energy and gets him out of the house. He really enjoys going places and loves going with the Campbells. Mrs Campbell is a mom of two boys, so she knows how to be patient with him. There's also a special connection between them since Asher's middle name is in honor of her son Kyle, who passed away in July.
The meltdowns are few and far between. If he gets upset, he cries for a few minutes and moves on. I think he's realized that we don't kick or bite each other when we are angry, so he's letting that side of him go.
Things will continue to get better as time goes on. It's already been a month and things have gotten a TON better, so I expect them to continue to. Right now, I can't say that I would want to do this again.. because I'm definitely not in the position to say that! Adopting an older child definitely presents it's challenges, but there is also a lot of joy. Watching Asher eagerly help me set the table in preparation for dinner, or jubilantly help me carry the groceries inside makes my memories of the rough days disappear.
It's hard to find time to keep updating the blog, but hopefully I will continue to be able to update a few times a week. I know people reading our blog may be considering adopting an older child, or are preparing to bring one home. These are just my thoughts on our experience of adopting an older child..and hopefully it doesn't scare you! Our blog is meant to just be a story of our families journey through this process. Every child and every family is different, so some will have easier adjustments than others. We've had the good days and the bad.. so we know what it's like to be on either side of the fence. But the good news is that things do (eventually!) get better and we're here to support each other through this difficult and rewarding process.